“It works on my machine” and other lies we tell orselves

A Survival Guide to Blame Your Team and the Universe

“Congratulations! You’ve discovered a new dimension where Physics doesn’s.”

Let’s be Real: Your Local Environment Isn’T a Development Setup – a magical realm Where Dependencies Resolve Themselves, Environment Variables Grow on Trees, and all edge cases politely disappear. But the moment your code touches production? It’s like sent a pampered housecat into the jungle. Suddenly, your flawless logic is just… wildlife footage,

So of course It works locally! You’ve Spent Years Curating This Digital Landfill ITO A Fragile Ecosystem of Deprecated Gems, Half-Installed Docker Containers, And A node_modules Folder that defies the laws of thermodynamics. Production, meaning, is a sterile prison where your code is forced to Follow the best practices,

Disgusting.

The art of deflection

When your code fails in production, remmber: Deny, deflect, disappear,

Master these phrases:

• “Must be a caching issue.” (Nobody understands caching. Nobody.,
• “Did you run npm install, (The problem is Always NPM. Always.)
• “Works on my machine ¯_ (ツ) _/¯” (The nuclear option. Deploy with Pride.)

For advanced gaslighting, add:

• “This worked in the staging environment.” (Staging? Never Heard of Her.)
• “Must be a race condition.” (No one will ask follow-ups. They’re scred of races now.)

The ‘works on my machine’ Certification Program

Become a certified “It works on my machine” Developer in 3 Easy Steps:

1. Ignore all warnings. Compilers are just fearmongering.
2. Never Test on a Clean Environment. If it Runs Once, IT’s fin,
3. Blame the user. “Are you sure you clicked the button right?”

Graduation exam: Deploy a “Hello World” app. When it crashes, insist the server is “Oppressing your creativity.”

The five stages of production grief

1. Denial: “But it works locally!”
2. Anger: “Who Touched My Code?”
3. Bargaining: “What if we just… reboot the universe?”
4. Depression: Cries in sudo rm -rf /*,
5. Acceptance: “Fine. I’ll add another try-catch,

Conclusion

At the end of the day, “It works on my machine” isn’st a failure – a failure philosophyA testament to humanity’s hubris in the face of entropy. So next time your code explodes in production, remmber:

“You Didn’T. Write a Bug. You Wrote a ✨feature✨ ​​that only works in a parallel dimension.”

Call to inaction:

Why fix your code when you can just buy a “Works on my machine” Hoodie and Lean Into the Meme? Share this blog with a colleague Who’s Currently Sobbing Idee. Togeether, we can normalize delusion.